It's not too often that I ask for advice (I blame it on oldest child syndrome), but I am at a bit of a loss with our newest issue.
Everett has been potty trained for over a year, and generally has been doing great. Lately he has been having a lot of accidents, and even he when he doesn't have a full accident, he is always walking around with a little wet spot on the front of his pants because he constantly goes just a little bit. It isn't enough to always warrant a change of clothes (I couldn't keep up with the laundry well enough for that), but it is enough that it is rather annoying.
Here are the particulars:
1) He usually only has accidents away from home (including in the car). He had two at the YMCA this morning and two at Preschool.
2) He doesn't seem to notice when he has an accident, but when I ask him if he felt it coming out, he always says yes.
3) I have tried hard to not make him feel guilty when he has an accident, because I don't think that is the right approach, but he doesn't seem to feel any shame whatsoever. He is almost four--isn't he old enough to be a little embarrassed, especially in front of peers? (You moms with boys are probably shaking your head with an emphatic "No".)
Here are some of the reasons he may be doing this (and why or why not I think they are correct):
1) He has had a lot of change lately with the move and William being born. I don't think this has affected his potty-training, however, because his regressions have not coincided with the time periods after these events.
2) He needs more attention. This is possible; there is only one of me with three kids in this house. But he gets every afternoon alone with me while Ashley and William are sleeping, and I always involve Everett if I am doing something with the other kids.
3) He just doesn't care. I think this is the most likely reason. The question is, how do I get him to care? Here is what we've done:
- Have him take a shower every time he has an accident in the hopes that the inconvenience of it all will make it worth it to him to keep dry.
- Constantly ask/remind him to go.
- Ignore it.
- Make him change clothes by himself (no help=no attention).
- In our lesser moments, get pretty frustrated.
- Lots of positive feedback when he keeps dry (he is very proud of himself when I pick him up from somewhere and he didn't have an accident).
We've tried to be consistent with our reactions, but life does not always facilitate consistency. Sometimes I'm feeding William or taking care of Ashley and I can't always handle Everett the way I want to.
Basically, I've been waiting for him to grow out of this. But he has been getting worse (4 accidents a day isn't the norm, but he does have them pretty frequently).
Has anyone else handled this with their son? What did you do? What worked? What didn't work? Should I just keep waiting this out or is there something I can do now? I don't want him to keep having accidents, especially no away from home. It's not fair to the people who are watching him!
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8 comments:
Funny, I had the same problem when we got back to the Village. For my 6 year old and 4 year old. For them, they were just having too much fun to go use the bathroom. I started making them use the bathroom before they could go out and that helped. Hmmmm. Not sure that answers your question on what to do though.
I am a mean mom. I know you are not potty training, but the same phylosophy can apply. If they had and accident I took away something my girls loved, loved, loved, like their blankets. Then when they went on the toilet they got it back. You could take something away when he has an accident and not give it back until he goes a whole day without any problems. It is probably he is just to busy and excited. My nephew on the other side never wanted to miss a thing so he would go over to a garbage can in the room or a cup and just go in that. My sister in law would find surprises of both numbers all over the place.
We've been having a similar regression with Katrina (though she's never gotten to the point of completely trained and is a lot younger), and she immediately improved when her rewards returned. I hate having to bribe her to pee, but it works, so she gets one marshmallow if she pees and one if she poos.
Good luck!
Sorry Elise, I have not crossed the potty training bridge yet, nor am I looking forward to it. But when the time comes, I hope you have this all figured out so you can give me some advice!! :)
I'm not quite sure about advice that I've experienced, but my sister-in-laws make their kids "practice" whenever they have an accident. They say, oops, looks like you forgot to go in the toilet, so we better practice so you can remember.
Then the start at the spot they found/had the accident and the have to walk to the bathroom, pull their pants down, pull them back up, and walk back to the "spot." They do this 10 times, and it's so inconvenient that they hate "practicing." They are told, if you go to the potty the first time, then you won't have to practice. It's good to remember.
So I don't know. They say it works well for them. Haven't tried it myself though. :) But maybe it will help with you figuring out some more ideas on how to deal with this.
You could go the opposite approach and do a sticker chart... Everett gets a sticker for every day he stays dry with a BIG reward in the future....and then fade out rewards when it becomes habit again. I couldn't get Asher potty trained until he was 3 and I found the right incentive.....
Elise,
I think he maybe having accidents for two separate reasons. First, he is too busy in what he is doing to want to go to the bathroom. He is playing or learning and it is too much fun. Or second, he has a fear of using a bathroom in a different location.
For the too much fun portion, I would notify the teacher or YMCA advisor or a friend if he is at a friends house, that if they see him do the potty dance (they usually do), then please encourage/force him to go to the bathroom. You could also ask the teacher if they have normal bathroom breaks or is up to the child to choose when he/she goes. If they have normal breaks, does E go? Can you encourage him to try? Same questions at the Y.
For the fear, I would take him the first time every time and be very upbeat with the discussion about the potty location, ask him if it is scary? What scares him? And try and answer his questions to the best you can. Make it less scary.
good luck.
Thanks for all the great advice! You all are right on. To answer some questions:
No fear of strange bathrooms (was an issue last summer, but now he finds it exciting to see what they look like).
He always gets scheduled potty breaks at school and the Y, and he always goes.
I think we're going to have to chalk it up to being too busy (as most of you said!) and do some sort of prolonged reward system. I think he knows the system at home, and I make him go pretty regularly here, so when he is away it is easier to ignore it. It also makes it tough to give him a real sense of consequences because it wouldn't be immediate. . .so hopefully we'll think of some reward that will make a big enough impression on him.
Thanks, everyone. It's nice to have a sounding board!
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