Johnson Funnies

I'll start out with Joel, even though I am sure to hear about this later. . .

Joel asked me to dish him up some ice cream one evening.  I scooped out what I considered to be a large portion.  After I plunked the bowl down in front of him, Joel busted up with laughter.
"Why are you laughing?" I asked.
"I'm laughing because you gave me a mother's serving, not a wife's serving."

And now it's Everett's turn:

Everett and William were up in my room as I was tidying up a little.  William was being fussy because he needed attention and I was focused on making the bed.
Everett decided to go get a book and some stuffed animals to make William smile.
When those things didn't work on our usually jolly toddler, Everett resorted to crazy facial expressions and dramatic falls to the floor.
William grinned, and Everett was exuberant.
"Mom, the Holy Ghost heared me cheer up a baby and I feel happy and warm inside!"


One day Everett was being particularly mouthy and non-compliant.  After a punch to his sister's stomach and a lecture from me, I said with exasperation, "Everett, I am your mother and my job is to teach you to do the right thing."
"Yeah well, you don't need to teach me to do the right thing!"  Everett replied obstinately.
"Why?"
"Because I already know how to do the right thing!"
My exasperation growing, I retorted, "Then why don't you do it!"

(No, I don't think the lesson sunk in.)

(An example of Everett and his many "whys")
Everett:  "Why do I have to listen to you?"
"Because I'm the boss"
"Why are you the boss?"
"Because I am your mother"
"Why are you my mother?"
"Because Heavenly Father sent you to me"
"Why did Heavenly Father send me to you?"
"Do you want Him to have sent you to someone else?"
"That would be terrible!"

(However, in another conversation, Everett and Ashley unanimously agreed that it would be awesome if they had another mom, but only if she gave them each a new toy every day.  Can my children be bought?  Now you know, and more importantly, now you know their price.)


Everett and Ashley like to talk to each other in the car.  No, they are not always nice and a lot of the time Ashley ends up squealing over some unjust thing her brother said or did, but often I overhear these gems:

Everett:  "I really don't like church."
Ashley:  "I don't like church either."
I started laughing, and asked "why not?"
Everett:  "Because it takes a really, really long time!"

Now you know why I often like to keep the radio off.

Little Miss Ashley knows when she is right, and she takes great pleasure of informing you so.  She seems to enjoy correcting Joel the most out of anyone.  With a hand on a sassy hip, Ashley scathes, "you're wrong, Papa," with lowered eyebrows and a withering expression.  Her angry eyes could melt steel, but that doesn't stop us from hiding our laughs behind our hands.

Once on our way to bring Joel a sack lunch, Ashley looked out the car window and noticed a police officer on patrol.
"I'm scared of the Police Officers,"  Ashley said timidly, with her hands clutched around her face and her eyes wide with melodrama.
"Why?"  I tried not to laugh.
"Because they will put me in jail if I take something!"


"Ashley, look at those purple and pink flowers," I remarked one day on the way to the library.
"Where?"
"Over there, hanging from those lamps."
"Oh Mom, they are lovely!" Ashley murmered admiringly.
"I think they are stupid," Everett muttered under his breath.
"Mo-om!  Everett said they are stupid!"  Ashley tattled.
In Ashley's eyes, the ultimate offense is when Everett criticizes bows or flowers.  At one point Ashley had named all of her prized stuffed animals after flowers (we had a rose, a daisy, a dandelion, and a lily).  Ashley has since changed the name of her favorite cat to Bolt--yes, after the movie that came out a couple of years ago.


Ashley has been going through a major dress phase.  She changes her outfit several times a day and usually ends up in one of her two prized dresses (they are the poofiest and twirliest of all).
"Mom, do I look beautiful in this dress?" Ashley asks as she twirls.
"You look very nice," I reply.
"Do you look beautiful, Everett?" Ashley inquires.
"Nope.  I don't like beautiful.  I only like cool.  Your dress is cool," Everett corrects without hesitation.
"Well, I look very beautiful.  I like beautiful."  Ashley is insistent.
"Ashley, your dress is beautiful and cool all at the same time.  Beautiful and cool."  Everett found a middle ground, and yes, it satisfied Ashley.  With all brothers she has to take what praise she can get.


Every day Ashley asks me to do her hair a particular way.  She is very susceptible to suggestion from the styles of cartoon characters, and this means that my meager hair-styling skills often don't cut it.  Fortunately she doesn't seem to mind.  Once she decided she had to have her hair like one of the faries in the movie Tinkerbell.  I don't know the name of this particular fairy but she has a long braid down her back.  This was  a hairstyle I could handle!  After I finished with the hairdo Ashley pranced out of the bathroom like a little diva ballerina.
But Ashley's real dream is to grow her hair out all the way down to the floor.  Want to guess where she got that idea?