Mantra, etc.

I was recently in my sister's room before she left on her mission, and I spied a quote on the wall that I'd forgotten I liked so much. She introduced it to me years ago (she's just great like that), and I was happy for the reminder. It is sort of my mantra, if you will, be it ideal or not.

Be like a duck. Calm on the surface but always paddling like the dickens underneath.

--Michael Caine

I recently read (ok, begun) Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. It is the first book I've read of hers and I was excited to have a reason to read it, but that is another topic altogether. The reason I mention this is because a few months ago I was bored and saw a link on a blog to one of those online quizzes--you know the kind; admittedly silly, time-wasting, but in a girlish junior high kind of way, very intriguing and fun. It advertised, "Find out which Jane Austen character you are !!!!!!!!!" or something similar to that, give or take a few exclamation points.

I took it and secretly expected (hoped) that it would say I was most like Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. When I looked at the results, however, I was surprised to note that it said I most resembled Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. At the time I wasn't familiar with her character, but since I have taken that quiz I bought the movie and read part of the book. I do not think I am like her in every way, but I do think I am like her in that I prefer to take steps to mask whatever stress, gloom, or funk I am in, and that sometimes I feel I would have to exaggerate my natural outward reactions in order to match how I feel inwardly--positive and negative.

Somehow it just feels easier to me that way. But I do have to remember sometimes that now I am married. Now I have made a commitment to someone that I will share myself with him, and I think this includes the down times as well, because he has also made a commitment to be the one to bolster me up. Sometimes I am worse at this than others, like those (hormonal) nights when I seep tears onto my pillow and try my best to hide it because I know Joel is tired and "what good would it do anyway" because I can't find the words. Or take this week, for example. I have been grumpy and irritable at the drop of a hat all week, and I have tried my best to hide it. I apologized today that I have been this way and was floored when Joel looked at me and said, "You've been grumpy?". I don't feel so bad about hiding this from him because I would rather not leak my foul moods on him.

Sometimes I need to be good about asking for help, but before that, I need to be good about recognizing when I need help. I'm still working on this one. Somehow I get too caught up in the ideal that I have to do everything and be perfect at everything. Sometimes I get caught in the trap of being too apologetic. Sometimes I try too hard to look like I am not trying so hard to float.

Sometimes, I try to be too much like a duck.

So, I was particularly grateful for Elder Uchtdorf's talk last night. I have heard many people express simliar feelings. It was uplifting and renewing and encouraging, and afterward I felt like writing him a hundred thank-you notes. Mostly though, I felt the strength come rushing back I thought I had lost from shouldering the expectation of perfection. It was tangible and sweet and makes me look forward even more to this weekend's General Conference.

P.S. In case you missed the Relief Society Broadcast, or would just like a replenishing reminder, go here.