How to: write a James Bond movie

Joel and I recently watched a James Bond movie. I had to restrain myself from saying "gag me with a spoon" the way Joel always does when we watch a "girly" movie. It had been a long time since I had seen a James Bond movie, and I was completely taken aback. Somehow, I remember a lot more to those movies (read: plot) than what I actually saw.

In this vein, I present to you the transcript from a meeting of the movie's writers. Enjoy. I'm sure it will be informative:

HEAD WRITER: OK guys, as you know, we're here to write the script for the new James Bond movie. I guess we'll follow protocol and begin the way we usually do.
First, how many people do we want to die in this movie, and how?

WRITER A: Well, we killed off seven in the last movie, not counting all the incidental fillers. We have to do at least ten here.

WRITER B: I think we really, really need to throw machine guns into the mix this time. You guys outvoted me last time in favor of the harpoon. Think of all the raw destruction and power!

WRITER C: Well, I don't care about the machine gun, but let's have a main battle sequence be on a jet--

WRITER D: Nope. I veto that. We all ready did that one. However, I suppose we can come up with a sweet helicopter in this movie. I'm thinking. . .stealth-like. . .powerful. . .can't be detected with electromagnetism. . .

WRITER D: OH! And a TANK! Can we please write a tank somewhere in here? Imagine the explosions!

WRITER B: [shrugs] I don't know, it seems awfully overdone.

WRITER C: Wait! I've got it! We can have the tank be in a really old European city, you know, with all those small space. What about St. Petersburg? There are some old buildings there. . .dark alleyways. . .communists. . .

WRITER A: [eyes bulging] Wait, wait! I have this awesome idea! We can have Bond get into the tank to chase some bad guy who is in a little car. He'll find the tank in the middle of the city somewhere--

WRITER B: Come on, man. In the middle of the city?

WRITER A: AND THEN, he'll plow through the city, smashing cars, trying to chase the bad guy, and--get this--he'll crash through buildings, and explode things, and nothing will stop him. Imagine the visual on this!

WRITER C: DUDE!

WRITER A: DUDE! [bumping fists with writer C]

HEAD WRITER: [taking notes, nodding] Got it, got it. OK guys, these are some good ideas. I'd say we have a good start on the movie. But we need some scenes where Bond has trouble. . .got any ideas for those?

WRITER D: Oh, I had a great idea last week about this. Why don't we have a. . .wait for it. . .a giant satellite dish that is hidden underneath a vast amount of water, which inexplicably gets sucked away when it is raised, and Bond fights on it with an agent that defected and turned against him. AND, the drop is thousands of feet. Hand-to-hand combat, old school style. Think of the potential for hair-raising almost falls!

WRITER C: Well, I kind of wanted him to be trapped in a train car that is about to self-destruct, and it is constructed out of inches-thick pieces of steel, so there is no possible way out, except that at the last second he uses the tiny laser in his watch to cut a hole, and he and some girl run out just as it explodes. Cause, you know, you gotta have the girl.

WRITER B: THAT is what I'm talking about!

WRITER A: Well, I don't know, those ideas are passable, but I thought it would be better if he and a girl were trapped in a helicopter that is about to self destruct (way to steal my idea, Mike), and he is tied up and unconscious, and the girl has to wake him up by kicking and screaming, and he has to work his way free, but before he does he notices that they only have ten seconds left before the whole thing explodes, so he finds the eject button which for some reason is by his head, and so he has no choice but to hit it with his head repeatedly until they are both ejected. . .just as a huge fireball comes up from where they just were.

WRITER D: [huffs] Well come on. At least my idea was original.

WRITER A: What, a satellite dish? So tell me, did you come up with this idea when your cable guy was over?

WRITER D: What, Dave, you think your idea is impressive? A six-year-old could think of that.

HEAD WRITER: Relax, guys, we can use all these ideas. [scribbles furiously] In fact. . .I think we've pretty much got the movie now. All we need to do is cast a hot female lead, add a little dialogue, and we're set. Anyone have any last thoughts?

WRITER B: Well, I do think we need to add a few more explosions.

HEAD WRITER: Not a big deal. We'll just make a bunch of chemical plants explode. We can kill off some more henchmen that way.

[writes some more]

Well, that's a wrap. I'll notify the director. We can start filming tomorrow, as soon as you get your son to fill in the gaps, Dave. You said he'd do that tonight, right? You sure he's up for it? I mean, I know he's all ready 12, but it might be a late night for him.

WRITER A: Sure, he's ready. Should only take him a couple hours. I mean, this is the easy part, right? What, like people come watch these movies for the plot.

(WRITERS A, B, and C snicker, WRITER D holds back a chuckle and rolls his eyes)

WRITER B: [stretches, looks at watch] Wow, this took us a half hour longer than the last time we wrote the movie. [considers that thought] That means this one will probably be even better.

WRITER C: Well, I'm out! See you guys at the next movie.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And that, my friends, is how it's done.